Posted by Meditation USA on February 3, 2021
Seoeun Han / Teacher
I finally became a teacher! The feeling when I confirmed that my name was on the list of final candidates for the 2003 appointment examination was indescribable. The things that I had suffered through for the past several years passed by like a kaleidoscope. I thought I would finally become the type of teacher I had always been dreaming of! With the ambition of being a good teacher who has a warm heart, who understands, who cares for and who loves the students, I started my teaching career.
My first year as a teacher was a shock and disappointment
It was my first time teaching junior high students. In the beginning, each of the students seemed very lovely. We celebrated their birthdays, exchanged emails, consulted together, and had a close relationship. But over time, the students seemed to change little by little. If they ignored their homeroom teacher’s guidance and I scolded them, they acted rude and spoiled. I thought it was because they knew I was a novice teacher or that I was too friendly. The stricter I got, the worse they got. As time went by, our conflicts only grew deeper. Even though I have spent my whole life in the teaching profession, I felt that I had suffered and endured the toughest trials during this first year. I continued to feel frustrated by the shocking things that brought me to tears. The reason for this was more than just my lack of teaching experience. I had a great sense of self-condemnation, and could not embrace the students with a big heart.
At that time, I got to know this Meditation, and in the winter of that year, I started training. In meditation when I recalled the life I had lived, it was just fun at first. Later, tears poured out with sadness and resentment when I remembered the fact that I was bullied by my classmates in junior high school. These upsetting things were similar to how I was neglected and cursed by the children in my first year of teaching.
A narrow-minded teacher who blamed the students for her desire to be recognized by everyone
Throwing away repeatedly through meditation revealed the root of my mind. This was the desire to be recognized by all students. I hoped that all the students would like me, but I was disappointed with them when they didn’t and I found myself hating them. All of that was my own mind. There was always pride in my mind that I had to do everything better than everyone else, and I needed to be recognized and paid attention to.
As the false minds were emptied one by one, a heavy and painful shoulder pain that had been bothering me, disappeared at some point, and both my body and mind became lighter. I realized it is my true nature to have a wide and big heart like the universe, and it was regrettable that I spent all this time not knowing it.
Teaching life changed 180 degrees, and I became a teacher who understands children with all my heart
If I hadn’t gone through so many trials during my first year of teaching, I might not have found this meditation, and I would not have felt this comfort and freedom. I feel grateful. As time passed, I became a 5-year veteran in teaching. I still make mistakes, but I often hear from teachers around me that I am overflowing with energy. In the past, every Sunday, the thought that I had to go to work the next day would have made me feel heavy and frustrated, but these days my mind is always comfortable.
I am happy on a Sunday night, thinking of going to class the next day and, I am happy in class on Monday with my students. In the past, when students were misbehaving, I would have angrily scolded myself. It is amazing to see how I am able to accept these feelings. I used to have so much discernment and hostility. I was the youngest daughter who was annoyed and stubborn at home, but now I always greet my family with a smile, which is very strange.
I now feel any situation can be understood if seen from the other person’s point of view. If not, I politely apologize even if the other person is a student. The distractions disappeared, so I became more focused on my work and my achievements improved. I also gained confidence. These days, I am enjoying my school life with the confidence that I can live as a teacher who can understand and embrace students with all my heart. Today I say to myself: “Everything depends on me throwing away the minds that I carry!”